i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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