I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
