I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
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Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
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if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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