i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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