We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
