Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
