why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
