Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
