pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
