Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
