What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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