Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
