Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
