last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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