I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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