Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
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Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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