How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
