a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
