Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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