Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
