I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
