youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
