you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
