I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
