Your tits are I can't wait for
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
