i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
