I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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