My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
