If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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