Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
