Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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