plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
