Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
