apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
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my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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