he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
