oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
