Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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