I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
