Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
