Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
