we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
