Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
