DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
