So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
