My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
