He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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