It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You ruined the universe
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
