well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
