I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
