I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
