im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
