You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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