The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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