Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
