everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
They took my balls.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
