Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
