I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
