Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
