I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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