She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
